The following is a letter I wrote addressed to my father concerning the differences between us. My parents had me at a late stage in life, past the time when most would even consider having more children. For this reason there has been a large “generational gap” between us, and as I have started growing older, that gap has widened. The below letter is my attempt to reach my father with a sense of likelihood, understanding, and forgiveness- all the while explaining my reasons for who I am and who I am becoming.
A Letter to My Father
As a writer, I often find it easier to express myself through words on paper, rather than by sayings of mouth, and although you may see this as an excuse for my elusion of you, this is by no means an attempt to escape your judgement- in fact this is simply the medium of which I am most fond (perhaps too fond at times) and have chosen as an earthly expedient for my thoughts. It is with these typefaces that I feel I present myself with maximum reasoning, and intend earnestly to conjure within you a new faith in me, your son, and beneficiary of your livelihood… altogether beside a greater respect within myself for the fulfillment of your advisory and counsel. Do know that this letter is neither a plea bargain nor final sentencing, but ultimately the laying grounds for a foundation of higher understanding and mutual exoneration. For what are we, but men, that we should decide upon the condemnation which haunts continually throughout the fragility of life? Has already it come the day that the saints have forgotten the one who bestowed them their power? I pray not, and hope greatly that you’ll be well receiving of this attempt towards the restoration of our trust.
While I have a substantial amount of admiration for you, it is not so easy to say the same about myself- and although we have addressed multiple times the fact of my “identity problem”, the nuance behind such a mental state is an endless maze of the afflicted’s viewpoint. Because one cannot experience in full measure the life of another man, it is impossible to recognize with complete certainty the deduction behind another’s decisions unless spoken of to us- something of which I, along with a vast majority of other persons, are often reluctant to do. For what happens if, say just one person, is offended by our minds’ enchantments? Would we not be ridiculed and chastised by those superior to our authority? It is for this reason that my thoughts have been guarded so cautiously. The stowing away of my mind is not something of enjoyment, but rather of necessity in my precaution against offense. I would surely erupt in embarrassment if even one page from the anthology of my heart were read aloud- and I imagine every decent man would likewise do the same! Does not every man have their own way of success in life? These differences in the construction of our thoughtfulness is by design of Our Creator, and is meant for the upliftment of all humanity… but what have we done? We are as Adam, taking it upon ourselves daily to destroy and expel our posterity from the promises of God by rejecting His original intent for our differences, instead giving reproach to those who, in the eyes of man, deter from the way of righteousness. Such actions are a great cause for the contempt between us these past months, as I am certain you have struggled to understand the processes behind my recent gestures, and I yours; together failing to see the will of The Lord amidst our misunderstanding toward each other’s positions. However entangled we may be with the admiration of our believed correctness, it is now time to cast aside all stubbornness within our beings and adhere to a greater calling. In my convictions, I have witnessed the truth- that neither of us can faithfully comprehend the dilemma of the other’s soul, even when aided by friendly discourse, and that each man has their own warring demons to challenge in life. Therefore, I have made no effort to prostrate my contemplations before you- but alas, I shall hereby vow to try, as you correspondingly vow to uphold no frustration at the complexity of my conditions.
The sin of my generation is despicable. Atrocities of all kinds litter and stain the normality of my world; the carnage is daily inescapable and nightly revisited in the terrors of my dreams. As a man of God my hope has been found constantly obliterated by the abomination of our youth, and the detestable grievance they bring me is an overbearing weight upon my soul. Crushed by the perils of this pressure, I am often left spiritually disgruntled, and in my incapacity to comprehend the mind of God I, being human, turn my sight away from Him. This of course offers only temporal satisfaction through my independence, and as my consummation draws closer, I too become disgusted with my own rebellion. In my anguish I repent, but in my deliverance I am addressed with an unabating angst. I am continually enmeshed with an over awareness towards my human condition, and feel that through the cyclical commission of my sins I have dedicated myself to the impending ultimatum of life- that is death. But is this not nearly every man’s story? For we are all, with every coursing flush of aortic blood, destined to be creatures of failure. In all surety, you too have experienced the remorse and desecration of ignorance, and although under quite different circumstances, you too have recognized in years past the humiliation of a faltering faith. With such remembrance of these events it is my wish that you would be merciful in my transgressions, just as Our Lord has been merciful to you, and I shall be submissive to that mercy which is so undeservedly given towards me.
I need not name the specificity of my sin, for the moment of occurrence has been impressed deeply within both our hearts, and emulated frequently throughout our actions these recent days. It is with a deep and admonishing shame that I bring these sentences forward. I ask forgiveness not out of a need to cleanse myself of this ignominy, for that cannot be done by meager man! It is only but for the rebuilding of trust between us and for the healthy furtherance of our relationship that I establish this appeal before you. I desire not that my relationship with you be seared with scorching guilt! I am only a man, and you only a witness to one of the many falsehoods that I have sought. The aforementioned pleasures and intensities beseech me more consistently than I’d like to admit, as they do for all mankind, and this common thread of disgrace should allow for union between the departed; the signature to a binding document of grace, between we the signatories, and God the Supreme Notary. Be not mistaken by my request… in my retrospective consequence I have now begun to understand the severity of my wrongdoing. I have been chastised internally to no end, and with no avail have I been able to extinguish the licking flames of disappointment’s fire. I have disappointed you, and even more so myself in the act of that disappointment.
In my finality, I shall wish to draw upon your conscience an image of my growth, bittersweet pain, and hard learned lessons. My moment has not come without a price to pay, and as all great men give eventual remark, I firmly stand in my belief that some things of this life are for me to experience firsthand, while others not so; the direction in which God’s breath chooses to blow our sails is not of our warrant, and although we may raise our masts in contention, our bowsprit will not misalign from our Creator’s toil. All of humanity has cast overboard the only Captain worthy of navigating our hearts, thus we are forced to cling upon the bow of our vessels and pray for the discernment of our God. And alas- in our filth filled strife He strikes an exchange. Oh, that we would come to appreciate the beauty of His forgiveness and love towards us! Let His eternal clemency be not an inauguration of complacency, but much more so an absolving joy which lightens each heart with the jocular and rococo! Will you not join me in my attempt to live within the standards of God’s purpose? Or shall I at once apologize for my realizations? No, I will not recant of what I know to be the truth- I cannot bear the ludicrous thought! To hold inside such insights would be an intolerable act, and seeing my present condition, it is obvious that I can make no affords in harboring my wisdom selfishly.
I am perfectly imperfect.
In love and dignity,